Saturday, July 24, 2010

Now that it's over...

I can safely say I am glad that today is over. It's technically tomorrow already, but since I haven't fallen asleep (to no surprise), I feel that this is the time of in-between.

There was nothing "technically" wrong with today, but it just was one of my off-feeling ones. I of course have no one to blame for the issues I had today, and even though I complain, I am still thankful for everything I have.

I initially had a hard time sleeping when I went to bed last night, I felt that I was having a small relapse of my horrific PUPPPS rash, and was terribly itchy and had small bumps in certain areas. By the time I was close to passing out, Noah woke up. Poor little guy had had an upset tummy the whole evening and night. So sleep wasn't really in the cards for me.

My husband of course, is amazing, and takes him in the mornings for me, we alternate. I wake up with Noah, feed him and cuddle him for a while, then eventually hand him over to Jonas who is *usually* able to get him to fall back to sleep. Then Noah will wake up again some time later, and the process starts all over. But this helps me catch up on the sleep I am always missing at night. I am simply unable to fall asleep.

Moving along, I also woke up with a migraine, and it was just awesomely bright today. I would have had a greater appreciation for it if I hadn't been in such agony. Not to mention Jonas was helping his parents with the remodeling of the extra apartment, so it left Noah with me most of the time.

I realize that besides the migraine, there is nothing seriously wrong about my day. And I realize that sunshine is nothing to be sad about. It was just that it is a Saturday, and I have been cooped up in this house for weeks (month?) and I barely have any friends to even make Saturday plans with, and even if I wanted to, I am terrible at driving stick shift (only myself to blame) and can't up and leave. Not to mention Jonas worked at his part time/few days/hours a week job until almost midnight, so even if I had wanted to have that wondrously elusive thing called a social life, it would have had to begin so so late.

Raaar. This seems to have taken on quite the whiny tone. Although I don't suppose I will apologize, as this IS indeed my blog. I know for a fact that there are so many other moms out there who have days like I am having.

Jonas called before he came home tonight, and it woke Noah up to wide awake, and was going to ask if he could go hang out with some of his pals, and I just started crying. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with everything, and even though I am gifted with so many amazing things, I am still uncertain of myself as a person right now. I feel out of place in my own body, what with the postpartum healing, hair shedding, clothes not fitting... I am still alienated by this country in many ways.... And really wish sometimes that I could just fly back home to the States with my little family and have my confidence, stride, independence, and friends back.

Tomorrow when I wake up, I can imagine that these bubbling emotions will have subsided again, and they will probably come back the next time I am feeling cabin fever. But I know that as long as I can recognize and acknowledge them, I think I have a better chance of avoiding depression. That's the first step, right? Being able to know if you have a problem?

What about any of the moms out there reading this blog? Do you have days like this too?


  1. Hey there, thank you for stopping by mama's Little Chick! I am following your blog too and would love for you to join in Smile Sunday tomorrow! Just grab the button in the left sidebar and write about what makes you smile! I will add your link! Have a great night!

    Mama Hen

  2. Oh Heather... I probably feel these things every day as of recently.

    This postpartum thing for me is difficult. Not that I'm depressed... it's just difficult.

    I have a baby that never sleeps... seriously. He's as sweet as can be, but he doesn't sleep. In the beginning he was extremely colicky. So he would just cry and cry and cry. The women in my circle that had babies right before me lost all of their weight and THEN some, and here I am still the chubby girl, with a child that doesn't sleep and just wondering when things are going to change. I have no social life either. I don't have any people in my life that I really can GO to, if you will. I have some friends from church which is a blessing... but I know what you mean. Things have been hectic lately and people have been less than kind and I keep feeling like... what next?!

    So yes, I do understand. I really do.

    My pregnancy wasn't a breeze either... I had gestational diabetes, they thought I had toxemia, that I might have to deliver early, I had PUPPS... so... I feel ya!

    Just know, I love you. You are beautiful, unique, special and amazing.

    Things will get brighter. Keep your chin up. ::hugs::